Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
