I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
