I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
