I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
