Don't make out with my wife yet
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
