Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
