my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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