i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
