This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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