I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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