I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
