I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
