when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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