I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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