Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
