i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
