and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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