There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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