New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
