why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
