It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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