here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
