I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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