Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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