I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
