I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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