Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
