How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
