i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
