go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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