totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
