Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
