and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
