are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
