this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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