You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
