I am midnight drunk by noon
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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