Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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