You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize