I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
