Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
