He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
