I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
