seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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