i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
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MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
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Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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