and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
