One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
