im six kinds of drunk right now
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
