Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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