I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
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She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
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Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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