Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
