He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
