how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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