Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
