I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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