I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize